Surviving Your 1st (Adult) Sleepover

There’s a first time for everyone: She invites you over to her place after a get-together with friends, or you walk her to the door (you always walk her to the door, right?) after dinner out and she asks if you’d like to come in; or you sit in the car talking about the movie you just saw and she says, “Come on, let’s go inside where it’s warmer.”

You may not be sure just what she has in mind, but there’s the tantalizing possibility that it could be staying the night. Here are a few quick tips (in chronological order) to help make your first night in her bed not your last:

  1. Some women like to sleep snuggled together, some like to snuggle for a bit and then sleep in their own space. (Lots of research points to the fact that the 15 minutes AFTER sex is THE most critical for building relationships.) If she’s the type that wants a little breathing room, you can still put your hand on the small of her back or rest it lightly on her hip so she knows you’re looking forward to being with her in the morning. (And it should go without saying: Don’t hog the bed, steal the covers, or snore.)
  2. On the other hand, if at some point she implies it’s time for you to go home, don’t despair. Get up, get dressed, and spend a few minutes sitting on the bed, putting her back to sleep. (Tell her you’ll lock the door on the way out — she needn’t get up.) Stroking her face and hair (or bare shoulder) will give her the message that you enjoyed being with her (for however long) and hope it happens again. N.B. There could be lots of reasons why she doesn’t want to wake up with a man in her bed, and some of them might have very little to do with how she feels about you. For example, her roommate’s mother may be arriving fromMississippi in the morning.
  3. If you do stay the night, when you get up, make the bed. Do NOT wait for her to help make the bed. Do not ASK if you should make the bed. Do NOT get up and take a shower, planning to make the bed later. As soon as you get up, make the bed. (If she’s still in it, then as soon as she gets up, make the bed.)
  4. Clean up your stuff: pick up your wine glass or dessert plate from the previous night and put it in the dishwasher. Put your dirty socks or other clothes in a bag (or neat pile). Don’t leave any of your clothes or belongings lying about.
  5. She’s probably fine with you using her shampoo, toothpaste, etc. but ASK first if she doesn’toffer. Return anything you use to its place: cap on the toothpaste, shampoo back in the bin, antiperspirant on the shelf in the cabinet. (If she doesn’t have a spare toothbrush, use some toothpaste and brush with your finger. DO NOT use a toothbrush that you happened to find in the bathroom.)
  6. After you take a shower, hang up your towel (even if it’s over the door or shower curtain.) If the rug was hanging over the side of the tub before you took your shower, put it back there after you’re done.
  7. Don’t leave ANY hair (pubic or otherwise) on the soap in the shower, on the sink/counter, or stuck in her comb or brush.
  8. After you flush, put the toilet seat AND cover down (even if it wasn’t down before.) If you leave the toilet seat up, then you’ll know why she doesn’t return yourtext messages later in the week.
  9. Help with breakfast: Pour the juice. Cut the melon. Make the toast. After you eat, help with the breakfast dishes (that means washing and/or drying and putting them away, not just setting them in the sink for her to wash later!) If she has a dishwasher, help her rinse and load the dishes.
  10. Finally, don’t be a stranger. If she let you stay the night (and even more-so if she invited you to stay for breakfast), she’s into you and probably wants more. You’ll still need to find the balance in the relationship, but don’t err on the side of being aloof. It’s a big deal when she invites you into her bedroom (and her life), make sure you support and nurture things from your side.

Most of the items listed above could be categorized as “being a good house guest” or even just “being considerate.” If you end up living together, don’t stop being considerate. Living with someone requires constant give and take (and she’s going to be doing the same, so don’t think it’s just you who has been saddled with the terrible burden of putting down the toilet seat! She’s working hard not to throw out all your ratty old t-shirts or comment about how you leave the bread out to get dry.) When you find the right person, it’s well worth the small sacrifices required to make the relationship work: There’s nothing better than falling asleep (sweaty and satisfied) in the arms of the one you love.


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