If you spend any time at all tootling around the information super-highway (remember when everyone use to call the Internet that?), then you’ve probably run into a “Top 10” list or two (or fifty). We humans love to peer into the lives of perfect strangers to see if they agree with us (or, even better, to discover that they are lazy slobs, brazen hussies, or potential psychopaths.)
Some of the most common “collections of advice” purport to teach us What Women Want, or Ten Things Women Need to Hear In Bed (e.g. “I’ll be right back: I have to put the wash in the dryer, check on the kids, feed the dog, unload the dishwasher, and get stuff out of the freezer for dinner tomorrow”?) or even What Men Do That Women Hate. (I know there are plenty of How to Please Your Man lists out there, too, and perhaps you guys find them as laugh-out-loud absurd as I find the inverse ones. If so, please share! The world could use a little more laughter. As one of my favorite bumper stickers says: Wag more; bark less.)
In any case, I’ve been collecting some of the humdingers and wanted to share them with you. (And I didn’t even save the ones that started with “Tell her: Your [sic] beautiful.” or “Safe sex is dangerous.”) All the way from India’s Largest Men’s Lifestyle Magazine to Fox “News” (cruel pranks to spice up your relationship?) to a Jewish advice column, I’ve chortled, gasped, and occasionally fumed about what gets written up as good relationship advice.
So, without further ado, I give you:
Ten Things Someone Actually Published as Good Advice About Women:
1) Real men drive stick shift [sic]. from Men’s Health (menshealth.com) What She Wishes You Knew #2. Uh, right. This one had to be written by someone who drives a Really Big Truck. Enough said.
2) Clothing costs a lot more than you realize! from Ten Things Women Wish Men Knew (#8) at The World’s Largest Jewish Content Website. (aish.com). As my teenage son would say: “First world problem.”
3) The Way You Write ‘I Love You’ Matters. Whether you say ‘luv’ or ‘love’ does matter. From Things Girls Wish You Knew (#2). Yeah, read that again. Hard to believe someone thinks this is a key sticking point between men and women — or should I say men and girls. Gag. Unfortunately, the article didn’t say which way is correct. OMG. What if I get it wrong?! Sigh. I’m going with the middle school teachers on this one: Correct spelling is obviously important. So is calling an adult human female a women (not a girl) whether you luv them or not. (askmen.com)
4) Grow a mustache. If that doesn’t prove you’re a man, what does? from How to Be a Man the Way He Really Should Be (#2) at lovepanky.com. This one is popular with middle-eastern despots, so it’s quite obviously a good tip. Number one was “Don’t giggle.” Number three was “Drink whiskey on the rocks.” Seriously.
5) Panties is a wonderful word. from Advice for Men on What Women Want (#8) at smh.com from the Ask Sam advice column. Panties. (Not actual panties, just the word panties.) I am so happy to finally discover the secret to a happy marriage: say the word panties aloud everyday. Let me know if it works for you?
6) While sex is fun anywhere, we like things to be organized and as free of mess as a spontaneous act will allow. from 10 Things Women Definitely Want During Sex (#4) at indiatimes.com. Number 8 is We also like sweet nothings whispered into our ears, or shouted out loud… we sometimes fake orgasms (didn’t they tell you!), but we make it appear like the real thing. Get the drift? No, I don’t. And I’m not sure organized, mess-free, faked sex sounds all that appealing, even to the poor sods who will attempt to follow your advice.
7) [If your relationship problem is:] Where’s dinner? [You say:] “You know what would be so great? That [fantastic dish] that you made a couple of weeks ago.” from Man’s Guide to Women at esquire.com. Where’s dinner is a relationship problem? I think the toughest part about answering that question would be deciding which pan to throw. Slavery was abolished with the 13th Amendment. That one aught to be at the top of the “How To Become A Bachelor” list.
8) You’re paying. from Dating Advice We Want Men To Know at cosmopolitan.com. I suppose this one goes with Where’s dinner? Bottom line: a man who expects his partner to make and serve dinner, and a women who expects her date to pay for everything, get what they deserve. Happy is what happens when all your dreams come true. Good luck with that.
9) Myth #6: Women Want To Be Treated Equally from Myths About What Women Want at www.askmen.com. Say again? Women want to be treated unequally? I think the author was attempting to say that women don’t want to be treated the SAME as men, which is probably true, given that they’re not men.
10) Women want you to know that sometimes just offering to help out is better than actually helping out. from 10 Things Women Wish Men Knew on mindcandy.com (#3). Right. So you don’t actually DO anything, just sit there on the couch, surfing the internet and eating potato chips, while offering to do stuff you know she’ll turn down (because she’ll think that’s great). Any woman who would refuse help with housekeeping, cooking, or laundry gets what she deserves — and it’s way worse than the occasional pink sock.
I think we can all agree that relationship advice often reveals more about the speaker than it provides useful tips. So the next time you’re considering typing “what women really want” into google, maybe you should just ask her to share her top ten list (just friend to friend, of course.) You might actually learn something useful, and if that doesn’t work, you could always try growing a mustache.